How many times have you heard/used the phrase "Who's the adult and who's the child"? It stands to reason that this might be a flawed perception of the parent-child relationship. Sure, we adults listen to experts like doctors and lawyers, but have you ever tried to get a teenager to listen to anyone who was not also a teenager? It ain't happenin', hon.
How on earth is a kid supposed to trust someone of whom he has no guarantee that they truly have his best interests at heart? To him, you, the evil parent, seem to be always working against his agenda!
However, I've found something revolutionary in parenting: Growing up doesn't necessarily mean you have to be a grown-up. Being a grown-up is a scary thing... especially to someone who likes to run underfoot. What if we could eliminate that fear and insecurity and replace it with a relate-able and uncomplicated adult?
It's one thing to play tea party with your daughter; it's quite another to initiate your own tea party with her. Which do you think will have the most value and make the biggest impression in the long run? My son and I were picking up his toys one day, just sitting on the floor. All of a sudden I found myself holding two identical figurines and had this impulse to start a diatribe about identity theft. My son found it hilarious. He howled with laughter and then joined in. We did eventually finish cleaning up his toys, but we also bonded.
Our life has been filled with these tiny, little moments that make motherhood, at least for me, 80% awesome. The consequence? My son trusts me... in a way that I would have never dreamed possible. That is not to say that other children don't trust their parents, but my son trusts me enough to let me be his parent. I can be on his level and be a parent at the same time. Oh yeah, I occasionally have to bring out the big guns, such as sending him to his bed, getting the time out chair, or simply giving a swat on the behind.
But here's the kicker: he trusts me enough to walk over to me even when he knows he's getting a pat on the bottom. He'll cry, but he'll let me do it. I'll hold him until he's done crying because I know that's all that's going to make things okay for him, and then we'll discuss why it happened. The final thing I will say to him is "Can we be friends again now?" It sounds overly-simplified, but he hasn't learned how to complicate things yet.
He's told me: when I'm mad, to him, we stop being friends. At his level, "friends" has no compound meaning, so it doesn't for me either. He isn't ready to learn about the various dimensions of friendship. What he can learn is that friendship can be repaired. In most arguments, I just try and satisfy his emotional needs, knowing full well I'm not getting resolution. That's not his job and after all... who's the adult?
But changing my perspective to see the reasons behind his world, not only causes him to be able to relate to me, even though I'm an adult, but also keeps
So here's the baseline: Be simple with your kids. They don't play because they're immature and you're not. They play because their imagination needs an outlet. They don't act out because they need to be taught a lesson. They act out because they need things to be righted.
Give them guidance.
Show them what your imagination can do.
Drown them in love and praise, even in the hard times.
Be silly and right their wrongs.
And lastly, but mostly... always forgive.
Can you say Peter Pan had it right?
Great thoughts. I'd like to think I had something to do with them, but I think as you do so much you went way and beyond where I led you when you were little. It is nice to read your thoughts and it is a little selfish because I get to gloat-- 'That's my daughter'. Pretty cool.
ReplyDeleteHey... when it's your kid, it's your fault. ;)
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